05/09/11

05/09/11 is the unnamed episode that aired on Monday, May 9th, 2011.

Pre-Show
Tara asks the audience to lean in real close and kiss her Hippo Ring, a present from Mike. Nash reacts with exasperated amusement as she describes the Hippo Lantern Corps.

"Florida Legislature Passes Anti-Bestiality Bill"
Nash and Tara are surprised and pleased and sad to find that Florida is behaving sensibly--by outlawing bestiality after three years of dithering. Tara is irritated that abuse of animals was not enough to push the law through and blames Disney.

"Cops: Man Stole Fire Truck, Went On Joyride"
Back to normal, Orange County man steals a fire truck--unlocked, with the keys in the vehicle. He "just wanted to have fun."

"Snatched: Cops Finds Knives, Pills On Perp's Body"
In this case, "on perp's body" means hundreds of pills and two knives stashed in a woman's fat rolls and vagina.

"Nude Man Arrested Of Stealing Pickup, Leading Police On Chase"
In Jefferson County, Ohio, a man ran nude on highway, stole a pickup truck, sped through a construction zone, crashed and tried to flee State Troopers on foot. The stars aligned to give us a commenting cop named Lude. Tara wishes she could survey these nude runners to ask how they got to that point.

"Bloody Naked Burglar Caught Eating Raw Chicken"
A pregnant woman noticed her window broken and discovered she has a visitor--a burglar named Michael Cooks--naked and bloody, eating raw chicken. When she screamed and ran out he locked the door, and police had to subdue him with a taser.

"Palm Harbor Couple finds Drunk Intruder on Couch"
A Florida couple came home to find a passed-out man asleep on their couch, next to a plate of food he'd prepared for himself. When woken he told them it was his house, but they, and more importantly the police, were unconvinced. Also the house was about 40 miles away from his own residence.

"Man Tells Waukes Police he Won't Run Naked in Downtown Again"
A man, reportedly mentally ill, told police he wouldn't run around naked downtown again--however the voices in his head were telling him to have sex with a horse. The comment makes Nash wonder if the streaking was really that bad of an idea. Tara invokes the wrath of the chat by comparing the streaker to the Old Spice guy.

"Allentown Exposer Found with Child Porn Taped to Walls, Bed"
A 61-year-old man, arrested for exposing himself to a child, faced even more charges when the police came to his apartment and found child pornograpy right out in the open, taped to his headboard and walls. He invited them in, a decision so dumb both Tara and Nash wonder how someone so lazy and stupid could still be alive.

"Norfolk Police: Man Assaults Officer, Attempts to Light Fire in Patrol Car and Floods his Holding Cell"
Tara gets excited because this story is from CT, her state. After being released from the hospital the man was caught burglarizing a jeep, tried to flee and was caught by security officers. Police arrived and cuffed him. Once they finished identified the items he'd stolen from the jeep and his nurse, they returned to the police car and realized it was on fire, and he began making rude gestures and spitting. That particular news source cut off the story for non-subscribers, but a difference source mentioned that he clogged the toilet to flood his cell, began to touch himself inappropriately, because that was apparently the only asshole option left. Nash compares Man-Crazy and Woman-Crazy: woman-crazy has an end-goal, man-crazy is plotless idiotic madness. Tara disputes this somewhat.

What Have We Learned Tonight
Tara transitions out of the last story by way of Disembodied Orgasm Hippo. Nash laughs because she's making his point for him by way of crazy hippo obsession. She shows off a coin bank, a toothbrush holder, candles, a paperweight, a clock, a hippo hatching from an egg, a warrior hippo figurine and a wooden hippo pen while Nash laughs. She disagrees that she's proving his point about the crazy.